Death of a Child
“It changes your DNA. You are no longer the person you were before.”
How Grief May Affect Caregivers
The death of a child can bring a profound and complex experience of grief.
Bereaved caregivers may grieve not only the death of their child, but also the loss of future experiences, milestones, and possibilities they imagined sharing together. They may also experience significant changes and secondary losses, including feelings of isolation as relationships and social networks connected to their child change over time.
Although healthcare professionals cannot take away the pain of losing a child, the care and support they provide can help shape how supported and understood bereaved families feel as they navigate their grief.
Explore more about how grief can affect emotional, cognitive, and physical functioning:
Primary Loss and Secondary Losses
A primary loss is the initial loss or significant change that gives rise to grief. Secondary losses are the additional losses and changes that can result from that primary loss. These may affect many areas of a person’s life, including their identity, relationships, routines, roles, beliefs, and expectations for the future.
When a child of any age dies, the death of the child is the primary loss, but caregivers may experience many secondary losses.
They may grieve the future they imagined with their child, including anticipated milestones, experiences, and possibilities.
Secondary losses may also include changes in familiar routines, aspects of their identity as a caregiver, relationships and social connections, and spiritual or religious beliefs.
These secondary losses can be significant parts of a caregiver’s grief and should not be minimized.
Grief and Relationships
The death of a child can bring significant changes for caregivers individually and within their relationships. Partners may experience and express their grief differently and may need different kinds of support, space, or connection at different times.
These differences can sometimes create strain or distance within a relationship. For example, one partner may openly express their grief, while another may focus on daily tasks, return to familiar routines, or be less likely to talk about what they are experiencing. These differences do not necessarily mean that one person is grieving more or less than the other.
Recognizing that grief can be expressed in many different ways may help partners better understand and support one another as they navigate their grief.
Grief and Intimacy
Grief can also affect sexuality and intimacy within a relationship. Following the death of a child, caregivers may experience changes in sexual desire, physical closeness, connection, or sexual expression. When partners have different needs or responses, navigating intimacy can become another complex aspect of their grief.
Connecting With Others
Some caregivers find particular comfort in connecting with other parents and caregivers who have experienced the death of a child. Shared experience can provide a sense of understanding and connection that may be difficult to find elsewhere. Support from family, friends, healthcare professionals, and others can also be meaningful, even when they have not experienced a similar loss. Different forms of connection may be helpful at different times, and caregivers may vary in when, how, or whether they want to connect with others.
Grief-Sensitive Communication After the Death of a Child
Grief-sensitive communication does not require having the perfect words. It involves acknowledging the loss, listening without judgment, following the caregiver’s lead, and avoiding assumptions about what they may be feeling or what they need.
People may struggle with what to say to a bereaved caregiver and, as a result, say nothing. Others may unintentionally say something that feels hurtful, dismissive, or insensitive. Talking about a child who died may require energy that a caregiver does not always have. When caregivers choose to talk about their child, following their lead can create space for connection, acknowledgment, and remembrance.
Bereaved caregivers may also encounter expectations about how they should feel, behave, or grieve over time. Healthcare professionals can help counter these expectations by recognizing the individual nature of grief, avoiding assumptions about what grief should look like, and allowing caregivers to identify what feels most supportive to them.