Grief-Sensitive Communication: Patients, Families, and Care Partners
Language to Avoid
When supporting someone who is grieving, especially in healthcare settings, finding the right words can be difficult. Because grief is often avoided in our culture, a kind of coded language has developed around it, where seemingly benign phrases carry unexamined meanings.
Even when offered with care, these messages can cause harm.
We're trained to make people feel better and we're trained to fix people. I think that physicians have trouble talking about grief because we can't necessarily do anything about it. And since we're fixers…we feel uncomfortable.
When the Instinct to Fix Meets the Unfixable
Healthcare professionals are trained to diagnose, treat, and intervene, which can create a strong urge to fix problems and relieve suffering, especially during acute pain or crisis. When facing a situation without a clear solution, healthcare professionals may instinctively respond with information, reassurance, or a focus on what can be done next.
While well intentioned, these responses can sometimes bypass the emotional experience if feelings of loss are not first acknowledged.
This framework often does not arise from a lack of care, but rather from reliance on familiar clinical approaches.
Recognizing this instinct is an important step toward more grief-sensitive communication.
Well-Intended Words That Can Fall Short
In this video, Elizabeth Peacock-Chambers, MD, Associate Professor at UMass Chan Medical School–Baystate, reflects on the unintended impact of well-meaning comments and the value of being present with someone in grief.
Words that feel benign or supportive in other contexts can carry added weight in the presence of grief. Certain phrases, often shaped by cultural discomfort and a desire to ease distress, can unintentionally minimize loss, imply judgment, or add pressure.
Paying attention to the potential impact of words, not just what is intended, can support more grief-sensitive communication.
I don’t think any good sentence starts with the words, ‘at least.’
At Least
This phrase is often used to try to “bright-side” a painful situation. While the intent may be to offer perspective or comfort, it can inadvertently minimize the person’s loss or invalidate their pain.
Examples:
- “At least you can have more children.”
- “At least they didn’t suffer.”
- “At least you got to say goodbye.”
Still
Judgment is often insidious in the space of grief. The word “still” can subtly imply that someone’s grief is lasting too long or that they should have “moved on.” This can create shame or self-doubt for someone who is grieving.
Examples:
- “You’re still wearing your wedding ring?”
- “You still haven’t cleaned out their room?”
- “You still have all their pictures up?”
Just
The word “just” can inadvertently diminish a person’s experience by framing it as less serious or less worthy of grief. It often shows up in attempts to rationalize or downplay the loss.
Examples:
- “It was just a miscarriage.”
- “It was just your stepfather.”
- “It was just a dog.”
Loved One
Though common, the term “loved one” is not neutral. It assumes the person who died was cherished and the relationship was positive. In reality, grief can also arise from complicated, painful, or estranged relationships. Using “loved one” may leave people feeling unseen or pressured to mourn a bond they did not value or feel conflicted about. Instead of assuming, you might ask:
- “Would you like to tell me a little about your relationship?”
- “Is there anything you’d like me to know about the person who died?”
When unsure, consider neutral alternatives such as “your person” or mirror the language the individual uses.
Instead, consider language that acknowledges the significance of the loss, validates the person's experience, or invites them to share more about what they are going through:
Simple Acknowledgment
- "I'm sorry this happened."
- "Thank you for sharing that with me."
- "I'm glad you told me."
Validating the Significance of the Loss
- "It sounds like this person was important to you."
- "That sounds really difficult."
- “This sounds like a significant loss and it makes sense to grieve it.”
Avoiding Assumptions While Inviting More
- "Can you tell me a little more about what this has been like for you?"
- "What feels most difficult right now?"
- "How has this affected you?"
When Comfort Falls Short: The Impact of Platitudes
Platitudes are those well-meaning responses to grief that include phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place.”
These clichéd expressions are frequently used in moments of loss or distress.
While typically offered with good intentions, platitudes can do more harm than good.
Why Platitudes Can Hurt
Despite being socially acceptable defaults, platitudes can minimize grief or invalidate a person’s experience.
Beneath these phrases is often an unintended message that emotions should be different or easier to manage.
Because grief is rarely addressed in direct, emotionally attuned ways, these expressions can become reflexive. As a result, familiar language is often used, even when it does not fully support those who are grieving.
Common Types of Platitudes
Fixing/ Solving
These responses attempt to make the pain go away or explain it away:
- “Time heals all wounds.”
- “They’re in a better place.”
- "What's done is done."
These statements can leave grieving individuals feeling unseen and misunderstood. Grief is not something to fix, it’s something to witness and support.
Language to try instead:
- "I'm sorry this happened."
- "I wish this hadn't happened."
- "What has this been like for you?"
Bright-Siding and “At Least”-ing
Toxic positivity can come across as a push to focus on the silver lining:
- “At least they didn’t suffer.”
- “Be thankful for the memories.”
- “Look how much you’ve grown from this.”
These statements suggest that positive thinking should override painful emotions. But gratitude and grief can coexist; one doesn’t negate the other.
Language to try instead:
- "You don't have to find a silver lining."
- "People often experience both gratitude and grief after a loss. One does not cancel out the other."
- "It sounds like you've been navigating a lot since this happened."
Tough Love
These phrases can convey pressure to suppress or rush grief:
- “You’ve got to stay strong.”
- “It’s time to get back to your normal routine.”
- “You need to move on.”
- “You need to stay positive”
The reality is that grief has no timeline. It’s not something to finish or fix, but rather an experience to integrate over time.
Language to try instead:
- "There is no timeline for grief."
- "People respond to loss in many different ways. It's okay if your experience doesn't look like someone else's."
- "It's okay if some days feel harder than others."
- "You don't have to be strong all the time."
Forced Meaning-Making
These responses offer an explanation or purpose for the loss that helps the speaker make sense of what happened:
- “This happened for a reason.”
- “This has given you purpose.”
- “Look how much you’ve grown from this”
These statements can feel alienating or even painful when they impose meaning, belief systems, or personal growth narratives that do not resonate.
Language to try instead:
- "There may not be easy answers."
- "There is no right way to understand an experience like this."
- "What thoughts have been coming up for you?"
For some individuals, making meaning after a loss, whether through spiritual, religious, or secular beliefs and practices, can play an important role in coping with loss. Challenges may arise when these interpretations are offered as explanations for another person's loss without understanding whether they align with that person's values, beliefs, or experience.
“Grief Hijacking”: When Personal Stories Shift the Focus
Many people attempt to comfort a griever by sharing their own experience of loss. While this can come from a place of empathy, it can unintentionally shift the focus away from the person who is grieving. This dynamic can sound like:
- “I’m so sorry about your brother. I remember how horrible I felt when my grandma died.”
- “That's awful. I know for me, when my uncle passed, I didn’t even want to leave the house.”
- “That reminds me of when I lost my dog. It was the hardest thing ever.”
Even well-intentioned expressions of solidarity can feel invalidating:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “I went through the same thing.”
- “I understand what you’re going through.”
These phrases may unintentionally diminish the griever’s unique experience and their specific relationship to the loss.
Megan Devine, LPC, psychotherapist, speaker and grief advocate, came up with a term for this practice: grief hijacking.
Devine suggests that when sharing your own experience, offer it, don’t impose it:
“I’ve experienced loss, too. And if you ever think it would be helpful to hear about what supported me, I’d be glad to share.”
This keeps the focus on the grieving person while giving them the agency to decide whether they want to hear more.
Presence Over Perfection
Healthcare professionals may worry about saying the wrong thing to someone who is grieving, yet there is often no "right" thing to say. Even without a perfect response, healthcare professionals can still offer meaningful support.
Like any skill, responding to grief takes practice. Mistakes will happen. When something does not land as intended, acknowledging it and attempting repair can help rebuild trust and connection. What matters most is a willingness to listen, learn, and remain present.
Nonverbal Expressions of Support
There are ways to communicate support without using words. In some situations, attentive presence, a compassionate gesture, or a genuine emotional response may be an effective way to convey care.
Taking time to listen, acknowledge emotions, and respond with empathy can help foster a sense of connection.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Sitting with Discomfort
Supporting people in grief often means sitting with emotions that cannot be fixed, explained, or resolved. This can feel uncomfortable, particularly in healthcare settings that emphasize emotional distancing and detachment.
Grief-sensitive communication often requires the ability to remain present with difficult emotions. Learning to accept emotional discomfort, rather than immediately trying to change, avoid, or resolve it, can make it easier to stay engaged and responsive during difficult conversations.
When healthcare professionals can remain present without rushing to provide answers, patients, families, and other care partners may feel more seen, heard, and understood.